the whole

It is the whole. All our lives we are told to separate, to compartmentalise. At every turn there is them and us, me and you, wrong and right, day and night, love and hate but however it turns out, it is the whole. We are all of this. There is no distinction between these states. … Continue reading »

chemicals

We are just a field of chemical reactions, labelled with love, labelled with hate. We are tied up on the tides of emotion, washing in and out; newly blown. We are but concepts on a sea of eternal movements, singing each our plaintive songs Of despair and hope, of war and peace, of death. What … Continue reading »

as tho’ nothing was doing

Even later, although there was nothing doing, it was as though everything was happening at once. The mundane things coupled up with the extraordinary; the words, the writing, the drawing, the listening, the washing up, the cleaning. Nothing doing, nothing doing, that’s all. But it was all doing, not to me, not to a person, … Continue reading »

a million miles away

Sometime after this, there had been a settling and an unsettling movement within my life; things had drawn themselves away from the perfect moment, things had become more important, things had become things that needed to be attended to do. I seemed a million miles away from that awakening moment, that point in time that, … Continue reading »

What cannot be, was all along

About a month after the day after the night before the dream, after days and days of sitting, watching and being- days and nights of witnessing the nothingness inside the life of Me, a slow whiff of something started to seep into consciousness. It slowly made itself aware, bubbled up through to make itself apparent. … Continue reading »

the three-body problem

There’s a snag with the iterative technique used to provide ‘solutions’ in situations like the three-body problem. It doesn’t always work, and you can’t tell in advance whether or not it is going to work. The technique used to ‘solve’ the relevant differential equations (which remember cannot be solved analytically) involves successive approximations, in which … Continue reading »

her hair

There is an abiding image of the day after the night before the dream, in the park. Her hair, flamed-red Moving as if on another plane. Totally all it needed to be Glinting in the light Of fireflies And the rain came, that afternoon before the night in the park But nothing was dulled. I … Continue reading »

pretty soon after that

Pretty soon after the day after the night before the dream, when consciousness had mostly settled into whatever was happening at the time, when the story was seen for the story it really was and fictions continued to pour forth moment by moment – with nothing much else mattering – realisation after realisation continued to … Continue reading »

soaring

A week after the day after the night of the dream it seemed that life continued to move in all the normal ways. I once again found that nothing, not one hair, not one thought, not one word was out of place. There could still be identification with a person doing things in this normal … Continue reading »

outside of these { two points }

Life As The Story Of Me happened between { the moment as a teenager I sat on the bottom step and cried to my mother after realising that one day I would die and there would be nothing left of me } and { the moment I awoke that morning after the dream to see … Continue reading »

sitting

For a week after the day after the dream – when I thought of myself as a myself - I found myself sitting. There wasn’t much more that could be done. I sat and sat for most of the day. Doing nothing. Nothing doing. There was no one to listen to and no one to speak … Continue reading »

and afterwards

A few days after the day after the dream, I was back to normal. Back to the life of me, the life of ups and downs, of fear of deaths, of minuscule wanderings and wonderings, of this fantasy life. Awakening seemed a million miles away back then, the day before that day. The struggle continued … Continue reading »

waking up

That morning after the dream, I woke up to a different world. The difference was, there was no me waking up, although there was evidently some waking up taking place. There were two sheep grazing on the hill outside the house, there was warmth of a body within the sheets and there was a husband … Continue reading »

death

our friend died last tuesday night. He had cancer and slipped into a coma on sunday. one tear rolled down my cheek. what is the difference between a death and a tear? what is the difference between life and love? what is the difference between any of these things? He is here, he is not … Continue reading »

a dream

I had a dream that the men were in a tall building and the girls went into rescue them. We were very high up that building, at the top. The girls had figured out a daring plan of intrigue and deception in order to free the men, who were all in separate rooms. Whilst one … Continue reading »

never and ever changing

It has been a long time. I am getting used to not talking about time in the same sense as I used to talk about time. Maybe it has been something like two years since I wrote about ‘me’ in this way. It all started very quietly and built up to a crescendo. Then I … Continue reading »

no title (yet)

I lost the baby. It was ill. The 12 week Nuchal fold test showed 6 mm in a normal range of 1.3 – 2.5 mm with additional fluid in its tiny skull and brain. It meant almost a 95% chance of the baby being born with some severe disability of some kind; most likely Down’s … Continue reading »